Mother

This isn’t meant to be a ‘Mom’ blog by any means, but I am a mother and this is an aspect of my life that I cannot avoid and think about a lot.

I remember clearly the night I was falling asleep, and I was musing about my future and what I wanted to do, in those half-reality/half-dream thoughts, and I said to myself: “I should like to be a mother one day. I want to have that experience.” Strange that I remember that small moment, but it was a pretty impactful one. I am a very loving person, and I always assumed that I would be a mom one day and have a family, but I was never quite sure of it – kids intimidated me, birth terrified me, and being a parent seemed insurmountably overwhelming. So when I finally, quietly, said to myself that this is what I wanted, it was like a small affirmation to my future – a prayer and a calling for what was to come. A moment in my life when I knew something deeply, intuitively; the kind of moment that comes with strings that pull you to where you want to go…

I felt this same feeling when I was hanging out with my future husband when I was 17. It was late in the evening, and we had gone back to his parent’s house after watching a movie with friends and were having ice cream at his kitchen table. I was wearing a necklace with a Chinese symbol on it for love or something like that, and we talked vaguely about what we wanted in the future for our love lives. We were not dating at that time, but while we were chatting I felt that feeling distinctly – I knew in my heart that this was the person for me. Funny that I don’t remember at all what we said to each other but I do remember the feeling. Isn’t it quite a testimony to the role that emotions play in our lives that they should trump the rational intellect so easily?

I have had more of these deep-feel moments in my life, mostly involving spiritual epiphanies or passages I’ve read in books. But these moments do not compare to the two I describe above. Why though?

The spiritual thoughts I have are uplifting and engaging and transforming – but they pale in comparison with the decisions above that determined the path of my life and the definition of my experience. The deep feelings and affirmations of wanting to be a mother, and feeling the conviction of the future with the person in front of me were powerful catalysts of creation.

In these moments I made decisions, deep decisions, and they were of my own creation. The power of creation was tangible in these moments. When you create from the deepest part of your heart and soul, it is unforgettable.

Being a mom was something society always told me I was going to be – inevitable, really. But when I said the affirmation and made the decision, this redefined me as a person at that moment. And becoming a mother has changed me greatly, in ways that I could not have fathomed in my life before and that are hard to put into words: A greater depth of feeling? A more human-centered empathy for life? A greater drive to help people? An enlightenment of the human experience?

I think all of these, and this is just the beginning. Thank you dear daughter for coming to me and hearing my call of creation into the wilderness. I hope this Mother thing leads to amazing roads and discoveries beyond our imaginations.

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