I feel like I’m wanting to tap into a giant reservoir but I’m unable to grasp it, to access it. I keep drilling down and finding traces but no source. But I can feel the source…why can’t I SEE it?!
Said most of all humans since the dawn of time.
I read an article the other day about “Why productive people always find time to exercise.” The concept in a nutshell being: these productive people are so jazzed up about their lives that they cannot WAIT to get up in the morning and live them. In contrast, we people who don’t like our jobs a ton dread getting up, grumble about the alarm clock, count the minutes until the end of the day, and then turn on Netflix when we get home – staying up later than we should and starting the whole cycle over again.
Yes… I agree with this. I definitely don’t feel an urgent passion for my day job. It’s really great, and I count my blessings I get to do something creative and challenging, but it doesn’t dominate my thoughts outside the office. Here, outside the office, I live for time with my family, friends, conversation, and mostly….
This writing. This reflection. I look forward to this ALL day. I have been feeling restless, like a fire burning within me that wants out but I don’t know where to let it out to. This writing feels like the first step. It provides a space for the thoughts and fire to go. Otherwise they would die in my head and end there. But here…I can think out loud in a sense. Maybe I can bring myself closer to that source that I am feeling but not seeing. The essence that is drawing me in. I’m getting closer, feeling the bits and pieces make more sense.
I’ve heard of artists that talk about how they are not the true creators – that in a sense the ideas and art chase them down instead of vice versa. That they have no choice but to submit. One author, I am forgetting their name, said she could literally SEE the words coming. She would try to run from them but they’d tackle her down. She’d have to grab a pen and go. She had no choice.
I’ve been feeling more and more like this lately; the word ‘conduit’ coming up again and again. I try to run but it’s gaining on me, nipping at my heels, infesting my brain, planning to take me down whether I want it to or not.
But I want it to – and I welcome it.