Context

My spiritual and intellectual journey had been fairly touch and go up to this point. When it rains, it pours. As of the present moment (summer 2015) this is the longest most in-depth period that I’ve written, read and reflected about spirit and intellect. In the past I would go through phases like this and eventually something more ‘grounded’ would divert my attention (i.e. weddings, layoffs, job hunting, having a baby, etc.). But among the past phases, there occurred two moments that have touched me spiritually in a way that I have never forgotten, and continue to look back upon again and again. Crucial moments of context in my personal journey. And both of them had me weeping over a journal of my thoughts.

The first was when I was 14. I was overcome with sadness one evening – or so I thought – and was compelled to sob and sob for people or circumstances I didn’t know or… I couldn’t fathom what it could be. I wrote about this strange melancholy moment and noted a spiritual aspiration in my journal, relating to a dream I had with an eagle flying high above me. At the time I just thought I was being overly sensitive and emotional. In hindsight I feel like it was a calling, a reminder of some kind. My heart expressing itself, urging me on to something beyond myself.

The second was nine years later in my senior year of college. I watched a movie called “What the Bleep Do We Know” with some friends. The movie was entertaining and presented a lot of concepts that I had already read about and discussed with others, but there was something within me that ‘clicked’ after watching it – like all the feelings and thoughts I had had up until that point had coalesced and suddenly…broke open.

I was overcome with joy. Powerful joy. So powerful, I didn’t know what to do with myself. I wandered. I left the group to be alone and do the one thing I knew that would help make sense of it: write.

So I started writing in my notebook, trying to put this feeling into words, and as I sat on the floor, tears streaming, I wrote  one of the most inspired pieces I have ever written. It was a message of simplicity, love, and light years ahead of where I was spiritually at the time. Admittedly, I am only now grasping the totality of what I wrote in that moment. Ten years have passed since then and I am only now finally feeling these pieces start to come together.

Here is an excerpt of that entry, written on the blue-carpeted basement floor of the house I was living in exactly ten years ago from this very entry. I had to stop writing after this, as I was out of words to write. I feel that the true concept of unity can only be felt. Words only get you so far.

There is no point in trying to be closer to ‘nature’ because we are nature; every one of us. We are one with nature at every minute of our lives. We cannot be separated from it no matter what we try. We are nature. We are God. We are Unity.  Sometimes I am overwhelmed with feelings of great unity. Unity with myself, the air, the carpet, my friends, my thoughts. This feeling is so powerful, and moves me so deeply, that I cannot put it into words. I fill with love and cry tears of joy. I am God. I am You. I am Me.

And so it is today the same as it was then. This ‘Unity’ I spoke of is a little more defined in my heart and mind, but no less an enigma that cannot be fully described – only felt. This love, this joyful catalyst of the heart, overflows – and my cup runneth over.

 

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